


Humanity

by Irrwisch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Castiel Loves Humanity (Supernatural), Coda, Emotions, Humanity, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, spn coda
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-09
Updated: 2020-11-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:01:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27464590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch
Summary: A coda for 9x03 "I'm no Angel"I've wondered when Castiel realised that he was in love
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40
Collections: Destiel is canon (15x18)





	Humanity

Being human was difficult.

It was difficult on multiple levels.

First, there were all these _things_ he had to consider; things like food or water or shelter or hygiene. Things he never had to consider before. And the fact that he needed to blend in now. He _wanted_ to fit in with his fellow humans. But that also meant he had to learn and understand fast. What was appropriate to say; and when to say it? What gestures were appreciated in what situations and in which ones they weren’t? As an angel, he hadn’t needed to care about that. What did he care about what a few humans thought of him? What did he care if they thought he was weird? He hadn’t needed them.

But now –

Now he did.

He couldn’t have them think he was weird. He couldn’t let them think he was an outcast. If they would confront him, what would he say?

_I’ve been an angel before and I haven’t been updating myself on the current social behaviour of humans; you all change it every hundred years, it’s very tedious to keep track of, really._

He didn’t think that would go over very well. And some things, he hoped, would just be considered quirks.

His body was strange, too. When it had been just a vessel, it had been – well, light in a way. He hadn’t really felt connected to it. It hadn’t been _his_ body. It had still been Jimmy’s. But now it was just him. Now he was trapped inside this body forever where before he would have always been able to simply leave the vessel behind and move on. He didn’t want to say he felt trapped, but maybe that was what it was?

This was everything he was now. No true face anymore, no true voice. It was just this now. The human face he saw in the mirror, the voice he heard in his ears. There was nothing more than that now. On one side it was scary. He felt so alone inside of himself all of a sudden. On the other side, he might now be able to understand humanity in a way he never had before.

Humanity...

It made him think of Dean. And thinking of Dean made him think of emotions.

That was another thing. There were just _so many_ of them. So many emotions in his head, all flinging themselves around, yearning for attention and he got overwhelmed. He just didn’t know what to do with them.

In his first night as a human, he had cried. He had wept tears because he had been so overwhelmed. How was he supposed to cope with this? How did Dean do it? How did Dean live with all these emotions inside his head? Was it just practice? It had been so easy as an angel. Any emotion he’s had, he could just sort of repress and put somewhere else and – they’ve been so much weaker. Maybe his grace had helped with dealing with these emotions.

But now that it was gone?

It was too much and Castiel had just needed to cry.

He missed Dean.

He wanted to be with Dean.

But if he did that, he’d put Dean in danger.

He couldn’t do that to Dean.

Upon realising that he couldn’t go back to Dean, he cried harder.

He didn’t understand.

“You want to be with him, but you can’t.”

Castiel just nodded. His throat was hoarse from all the crying he has done.

“He’s not missing me, anyway.”

That realisation hurt. But maybe Dean did. After all, Dean _had_ told him to get to safety. So he cared, right? He must’ve. Castiel smiled at that. Yes. Dean had been concerned about his safety. Dean had told him to go to the Bunker. Dean wanted him around.

He could be with Dean.

_He could be with Dean._

“What’ve you realised?”

“I can be with Dean,” Castiel smiled at the nice man who had offered him some soup.

He was human now. Dean was human. There was no celestial barrier between them anymore. He didn’t understand why his heart was beating so rapidly. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop smiling. He didn’t understand why he was crying. He was happy. He couldn’t stop smiling, so why was he crying?

*

Dean was here. Dean had come. Dean had come to save him.

“Don’t ever do this again!”

Dean didn’t want him to have sex with women. Castiel’s heart was beating so fast. He tried his best to reign his emotions in, even though all he wanted was to jump up and run into Dean’s arms and rub his cheek against Dean’s collarbone and...

He almost started crying again.

Dean cut him loose and then touched his body again. It felt so nice. It had never felt so nice before.

“Are you hurt somewhere else?”

In the background, Sam was getting up but Dean didn’t pay him any mind. Dean was concentrated on _him_. Castiel couldn’t believe it. He couldn’t really breathe so he just shook his head. Dean was so... _pretty_. Not just his soul, but his face, and everything and his hands felt so nice and Castiel would give everything he had if Dean would just never stop touching him.

Castiel was in love.

Castiel was in love with Dean Winchester.

Dean pulled him up by the arm and Castiel stumbled, right into Dean’s chest. He hadn’t planned that, but oh, it was so nice. He stayed there longer than he probably should. Dean just put his hand on Castiel’s back and didn’t push him away.

He’s human. He can be with Dean. He could feel all these emotions now, just like Dean. He was a man now, not an angel. There wouldn’t be this barrier between them anymore.

“You okay, man?”

Castiel just nodded. He had to get himself under control. Dean looked so different now. He’d never really noticed his eyes, his nose, his lips, his freckles like this. He’s always seen them, but they were clearer now and Castiel wanted to stare at them forever.

Dean helped Sam up but then – he helped Castiel down the stairs. Castiel could not stop smiling. Dean was here. Dean cared. Dean had come for him. All these emotions ran through him in rapid fire and he wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. He wanted to hug Dean and touch him and never let him go and life has never been better.

Castiel loved Dean.

He never thought it could be that easy

He could barely believe that he might get to hold Dean’s hand.

It had been so difficult. But now? All his emotions ran towards Dean. Dean made it so easy. Just seeing him, just being with him made Cas so happy he could barely breathe. He tried hard not to choke up. He didn’t want Dean to see him cry, at least not yet.

His heart was so full, and all because of Dean. He almost wanted to ask Sam to drive so that Dean could sit in the backseat with him but he didn’t dare. Dean got a blanket out of the trunk and wrapped Castiel in it. Castiel could only stare at Dean with big eyes. He felt so warm. It felt like his emotions had finally found a home. The blanket felt like Dean’s hug.

Everything was well. Everything was good.

He was home.

As long as Dean was here, he was home.

“You can’t stay.”

He didn’t understand. Why... why did he say that? Didn’t he feel all these same emotions that Castiel felt?

His hands were shaking and he didn’t want to finish the burrito. He was in turmoil. Why did Dean want him to go? Was it... was it because he was a man? Did Dean think him disgusting? Maybe Castiel had been too... open? Or...

Or Dean didn’t feel the same things after all.

Castiel wanted to cry.

But this time, they wouldn’t be happy tears.

His heart hurt. Everything hurt.

It hurt even more when Dean clenched his jaw and turned away.

With shaky hands, Castiel put the burrito on the table. Dean didn’t want him. Dean didn’t see him that way. Dean didn’t like _him_.

He tried so hard not to sob.

He was proud of himself for holding it together until he left the Bunker.

Dean would’ve been proud, if he would’ve cared.

The emotions were swirling around inside of him. He didn’t understand. He always thought... He had always thought that maybe... maybe Dean felt a similar thing.

But he didn’t.

His legs were shaking. He didn’t understand.

He had eaten some food, he’s had rest, and his legs shouldn’t shake. His hands, too. Everything, really. His whole body was shaking.

Castiel didn’t make it far from the Bunker before his cries shook his whole body.

He went down on his knees and wept.

He didn’t understand.

He didn’t understand.

He didn’t understand.

_“You can’t stay.”_

Why?

Why did it hurt so much?

It had been so good before.

He had been home.

He had been with Dean.

But Dean didn’t want him.

He loved Dean.

But Dean didn’t want him.

He wanted to be with Dean.

But Dean didn’t want him.

Dean didn’t love him.

He loved Dean.

Dean didn’t love him.

Oh, how he hated being a human.

Dean...

Please.

Please, I just want to be with you. It’s all I ask. If I can be with you, then...

Then I can be happy.

Please.

Dean, please save me.

Dean, please come for me.

Dean, please care about me.

I love you.

I love you.

I love –


End file.
